THE three words...

...every girl wants to hear--"i hate you". Yes, it's true. The man who is supposed to be so in love with who...the man I share my baby boy with...the man who thinks we will one day be married...uttered these three lovely words to me yesterday. Well, actually it was today...the wee hours of the morning. That was added to the previous comment of the day where I was declared a "bitch" by him.
Now the sad thing is, I don't think he has a clue that I'm planning on leaving him. Every time I sneak outside with the cordless, I fear that sound is going to travel into the house and I'm going to get an ear-full when I come in. That has yet to happen. And every time we argue, he talks in the future tense of things, like we're going to be together forever...NOT! Wake up and smell the coffee buddy!
He tells me that if I do things just out of spite or so that he knows how things feel, he doesn't want to be with me...now he tells me when I do things he doesn't like, "Well, two can play that game!" (Okay Vivica...) Anyway, he's a freakin' hypocrite! The only times that things are okay are when he does it...when Elijah or I do it, it's a big issue. Like, he's always getting on Elijah (keep in mind he's 3) about eating in the living room--which is where everyone eats...why should he be confined by himself to the kitchen? He's worried about getting crumbs all over or whatever. I can't tell you how many times I find crumbs from him, sunflower seed shells, crab shells, etc all over the place. And his response--"Well I'm the one vacuuming." Well, if he was old enough to run a vacuum, I would have him clean it up...but like I said--HE'S THREE!!! He thinks that three is the magic number and he's supposed to act like an adult. He's still learning...and he's only going to do what he sees. So if you're yelling and talking nasty all the time, he's going to talk fresh to you...and if you're eating in the living room, he's going to also.
And why, after I'm called a bitch and told I'm hated, am I going to want to do anything for him? I'm leaving for work today, and he asks me to put his music on his MP3 player that I got him for Father's Day. (I don't know why I gave it to him.) Uh, let me think about that for a minute--NO! Are you really that messed up in the head?!
Okay, I have to get going before I go on anymore tangents...I'm getting tense in the neck. *SMILE*

At My Wit's End

So I keep trying to think of ways to fix things. I try to talk about things to see what the problem is...I get the brush off. I don't say anything about anything...he gets offended that I'm not talking. I avoid the house...he complains that I don't do anything and everything is piling up. I make suggestions about taking care of the baby...he tells me he knows what he's doing. I say nothing about taking care of the baby...he tells me he doesn't know what he's doing.
I try all kinds of things to make this work, but I think I've come to the realization that it just won't work! He won't go to counseling, he won't talk to me about things, he won't make any changes...what else am I to do?
He keeps telling me that he can't do this, we can't live together, he's leaving, etc. The other day he said one of those and I said 'Good". He responded saying, "Yeah, one of these days you're going to wake up and I'll be gone". Am I supposed to believe that??? How many times have you said that in the past year??? At least 10 times. That may not sound like a lot, but to say something 10 times in one year and not follow through...that's almost once a month. I mean, either leave or don't, but don't keep threatening. And he also says that I need to stop messing with him (not exactly, but I had to clean it up). Now, not that I'm the type to just antagonize just for the fun of it, or start arguments, but my response to that is, "Or what?". Am I supposed to be afraid of you or something? And if I am supposed to, why would I want to stay with you? I'm not going to stay with someone I'm afraid of, nor am I going to let you have control over me like that.
So if this is how you want things to be, count me out. I mean, you take two days to get over whatever was going on--after effects from your drunken stupor--and then start to talk to people. Then when you find out things that were planned during those two days, you get offended that you weren't included. Well, I'm not going to get hollered at just for telling you plans. And actually, if you recall (which I'm sure you don't), we've actually been discussing this for the past week. Sure the exact day wasn't confirmed, but it was said that it would be this weekend.

MEN! >:o

Why is it that men can be the biggest asses in the world, and us women have to put up with it...but God forbid we have a bad day. They blow it out of proportion and we're overreacting--or they just assume it's that time of the month again--stay away. Puh-lease! Like we're not allowed to have bad days...no our lives are just freakin' perfect!
I swear I'm giving up on men! There's going to be a very heated, I'm sure, conversation before the weekend is out at my house. And I'm sure that he's going to try all kinds of ways to avoid it...or say that I just want to argue. Yes, because I love discord in my house. I really want my kids to grow up in a negative environment. That's why I left Josh, right? Oh wait...I left Josh to avoid all the conflict and crap. To get away from the name-calling and shouting and arguing. And you tell me that you'll never call me any names, but what came out of your mouth last night? And that wasn't the first time either. And right now, I've had just about enough of it. Sorry isn't going to work this time. Promises aren't going to work this time. This is ultimatum time. And the first time it's gone against, I'm out--that is if he even agrees to it. And I highly doubt he will, because how many other times has he chosen alcohol over his family. I keep thinking that maybe this time will be different because of the baby, but other times this came up, I was pregnant...and what's the difference between just me being your family, me and Elijah being your family or me, Elijah and the baby being your family?
And that's another thing. You have all this talk. "Oh my family this and oh my family that." "I want to take the pictures of my family in to show everyone." Well how about you start acting like you are part of a family. Start acting like you care about your family. Start putting your family first instead of your own selfish desires, like getting drunk or watching all your shows. Family is about sacrifice...love...togetherness...
I've put up with this for far too long thinking things would get better and now I'm at my breaking point. I don't know what the future will hold. If it comes down to it, I am able to go back to my parents, but I keep trying to figure out in my head where everyone will stay and how that will work out--especially with all the smoke. And then on top of that, I'm already barely affording daycare as it is...to add two more days a week...I can't do that. The only thing I could think of with that is to take them back to Sue who is much cheaper. The only thing with that is, I think they are the only kids she has, and she doesn't teach anything...which is fine because she really took care of Elijah when he went to her. That's why I wouldn't mind taking the kids there again.
Well anyway, I feel a little better--but then again, I'm not at home with the ogre either. I have such tension in my neck and shoulders from the past few days/weeks/months finally catching up with me, not to mention the shooting pain from my wrist up into my arm. Sigh...life is fun, isn't it?
*SMILE*

Apathy

So I have much I would like to share with you, but lack the desire to do so. In fact, I'm forcing myself to write this little bit. Of course, with it being Tuesday, I have weekend stuff I could talk about (seeing how long it seemed). Maybe tomorrow will be better. :)
*SMILE*

Pet Peeve

So I've come to realize one of my top pet peeves...it's right up there with 'hating' people. I wouldn't hate people if they didn't lack common sense! Okay, so people that call you or stop by or whatever...and don't know when to end a conversation and leave you alone!
A couple of examples...one day I was on my way out the door to pick up the kids from school. My neighbor was out and said hi, so I was cordial (which is just about all I can be to her) and said hi back. Sometimes I wish I was a bitch, because I shouldn't have said anything back. This turned into at least a ten minute conversation--about absolutely NOTHING!!! Dude, get some friends to talk to...I don't like you! (I know that's not very Christian, but we're not called to like one another, we're called to love them.) Each time there was a pause in conversation, I would take a step to leave and then she'd start another meaningless conversation. GET A CLUE!!!
Another: I'm at work, minding my own business, enjoying my lunch. Someone stops by...to be expected. The problem here is, she didn't come in for anything of importance. I mean, sure she had to check up on some things, but she very easily could have emailed or called about it. (Now this is someone I don't know...I know who she is, but we're not friends.) She tells me what she has to tell me, and then she says to me..."That looks like a good hoagie, where'd you get it from?" Well, that tells me you acknowledge I'm eating my lunch. I felt like I had a visit from a telemarketer...you know how you get those calls during dinner? Well, this was a visit during lunch. Do you want me to intrude on you while you're enjoying lunch and chit-chat with you?? Then please, don't do it to me! And she kept going on and on venting about things to me. I DON'T CARE!!!
People, please...get friends!!!
*SMILE*

The dreaded one...

So my "friend" just stopped by the office...you know, the one you dread--you have to be in a certain mood to deal with? You know what I'm talking about - we all have one! Anyway, so I'm minding my own business and she walks in and tells me she just came from a job interview...at my bank!!! I have to admit though, it wasn't as painful as a visit as I thought it would be. You see, I can only take her in spurts...for a certain amount of time and then I just need a break. It's actually been a while since we've hung out. I try to avoid calling her though because we don't really talk about much, don't really have much in common, and she's quite obnoxious, too. But I love her to death because she's there for you when you need her. Another reason I don't really call her too much is because I don't want her to think that the only times I call her is when I need something. Anyway, I just needed to vent, so thanks.
*SMILE!*

Update from Weekend

So the weekend is over...it was actually pretty good for how my weekends have been going. Friday I went with my mom to the book club we go to each month. It wasn't really as entertaining as the other ones have been. I actually don't know if I'm going to keep going. I mean, it's nice to get out of the house for a few hours once a month, but if I'm not enjoying myself, what's the sense?
Saturday we went to get out pictures taken. (And as soon as I remember to bring the disc, I will upload them for your viewing pleasure.) Surprisingly, everyone cooperated--for the most part anyway. We got lost of pictures taken - Elijah and Michael (Jr) together and by themselves, Michael (Sr) and I together, Michael with the boys, me with the boys and lastly a family portrait. We were in the waiting area while the pictures were getting edited when Michael pointed out a pose and said he wanted that done, but didn't want to take his shirt off. (It was a dad, shirtless, laying on the floor with the baby, in just a diaper, laying on the dad's back.) Now in the 2 years or so that we've known each other, I've never known Michael to be modest! And besides, I told him that if he didn't get it done he would regret it. I was overheard and we convinced him to do it. The baby wasn't cooperating too much so we only got two shots, but they're both pretty cool.
The hardest part about the whole ordeal was actually ordering the prints. We knew which poses we wanted, but we couldn't figure out what sizes and how many. We purchased the disc (which I think is obnoxious that you have to pay for the copyright to your pictures!) and figured if we didn't get what we wanted we could always order more.
Sunday was church and I was told by many that during Sunday School, as the kids were practicing for next week's program, Elijah was a dancing fool! When I asked him he just said, very nonchalantly, "No I was just standing there." I don't know what world he was in!
They've also been telling me that he's been much more social lately. That makes me a little happy because he used to be real shy and I was getting a little concerned by this...but now he's going up to everyone and telling them that his baby brother's name is Baby Michael. Which is fine, but he's telling everybody...I don't want him to be one of those kids that doesn't talk to anybody, but I also don't want him to be one of those kids that talks to anybody...if that makes sense! :)
Yesterday (Monday) I took Elijah out after school to ride his bike. He wanted to Sunday, but it was too rainy! He actually did pretty well. We found out though that the one pedal is on too tight and doesn't turn with his foot so his foot keeps slipping off. Hopefully Granddad won't have it too long and can get it fixed so we can continue with our progress. (Now he just needs to find his ball so we can play baseball.)

I love old people!

So at my job, I get a lot of calls from older folks. Some of them can be annoying, but some can be quite amusing! Like this morning for example...A lady called to get an address for one of out shut-ins. I answered a little annoyed because, like I mentioned, some can be annoying. I gave her the address anyway, and as she was writing it down she was saying how she wouldn’t be able to read it when she needed it. After relaying it to her, she read it back to me...and said “Congratulate me...I got it right!” I hung up the phone trying so hard to hold back the laughter.

I love old people!

That was the lighter side...

Yesterday I went to my parents’ house with my older son, Elijah. He just got a new big-boy as a “reward” for getting potty-trained. He also has a waffle bat & ball set. He wanted to ride his bike...until we got outside and actually tried to learn how to ride. Then he asked if we could play baseball. Sure, who am I to pass up quality time with my son?? Granddad was on the step cheering him on. Shortly after we started, he said ‘No, Granddad throw it!’ So I conceded and let Granddad step in. Well, that was a mistake...every time I tried to step in and take over, he threw a fit. (Not a tantrum fit, just protested until Granddad took over again—no he’s not a brat!)

Then my dad suggested for us to go to the park. Now with me not having a car, I jumped at the offer (all while trying not to look too desperate)! So we go down to the park where there are two different playgrounds and a stream...and a see-saw! Granddad was getting tired and said he was getting off. 'Ooh, my turn' I thought, thinking now I had a chance to play with my son. No, not so..."I'm getting off too," he informed me. Okay, that's twice so far that he's dissed me.

It was nice though because then we went to the stream and he had lots of fun there. (This is the park that Aunt Sharon & Uncle Bob always take him.) At first we were just letting him look in the stream and admire nature. Then, since he had his sandals on, decided it would be fun to let him walk around in the water. Can you say 'water-baby'??? And he's obsessed with bugs--ants particularly--and at one point he was trying to splash one huge ant off the rock. It was quite funny and I got video of it, and apologize for not posting it. :)

It was kinda bitter-sweet for me to go there though. You see, this is the same park that Josh and I would go to when we were together. We would stroll Elijah along the path, sit and enjoy nature...have quality family time. And I couldn't help but remember these times.

That got me thinking. What do I really feel for this man I once called 'husband'? Sometimes I feel pure hatred (which I know is wrong, but justified...which doesn't make it any more right). Sometimes I feel love (a platonic love) as we share a child and I see the love Elijah has for his daddy and the love Josh has for his son. Then I feel disgust remembering all the pain he put me through and how everything is all about him and his feelings. And I have to wonder if this is really how things are, or just how I perceive them to be now that my feelings are involved.

Grrr...I really hate feelings sometimes!

Anyway, after the park, we went back to the grandparents' house and he was playing baseball again...this time with Grammy. Apparently, I was inside gathering clothes, he hit the ball so hard it went into the neighbors yard. Go, son!